How to Turn Rejection Into Connection

Oct 13, 2021

The other day, I posted a status to Facebook and, while it didn’t get a huge response, it’s message has stuck with me all week. 

In case you missed it, here’s what I shared (and, hey, if we aren’t already ‘friends’ on Facebook, why not? Go ahead and send me a friend request here!):

“What would you think of a parent who loved their kid,  did all the right parenting “tasks”, whose kid was clean, well dressed/ fed, successful in school… BUT, the parent wasn’t physically affectionate with the child, refusing to hug, hold or even kiss the child goodnight? 

Can you see how that child might “know” intellectually that their parent loves them, but doesn’t “feel” loved?  

Now, let’s say the parent will give hugs periodically, but refuses to kiss the child even if the child says “can I have a good night kiss tonight, please?” 

Would you think it reasonable for the child to want more loving connection?  Would you blame the child for feeling rejected?  Does it matter if the parent was taught that children didn’t need physical expressions of love? That affection was a sign of weakness or disrespect, not love?”

I’ve thought about this post so much in the past week, but not from the perspective of a parent and child, but from the perspective of a couple in a relationship.

Imagine that it’s you asking your partner for an act of intimacy, like a long talk about your feelings, time to watch the sunset together, a sexy fun romp before sleep, or anything else that makes you feel loved and connected.  

How do you feel when they turn you down? Even if there’s a “good” excuse? 

When my husband turned me down, I crawled into a shell. It happened so often, I stopped asking and just stayed in the lonely safety of that shell.  

Not surprising that he then had an affair and we divorced, right? 

So now, think about the reverse…
How often do you turn them down? 

What message is that sending to them? And how long does the fallout from a rejection like this resonate through your relationship?

Asking for what we want can be scary, especially when it’s important to us. 

And when we ask our partner for something, what we are really asking is
“Do you love me this much?” 

That’s why, when we are rejected, we often feel damaged, like something is wrong with what we asked for… or even something  is wrong with us!

Of course, if you love your partner and yet for whatever reason, you’re refusing their ask, you might feel sad, possibly guilty or disappointed in yourself.  Unfortunately, if this is ongoing,  these feelings often turn into blame, shame, or resentment, instead, which is clearly not helpful! 😬

Eventually, rather than taking chances and dealing with the emotional “baggage” that’s accrued, it’s typical for partners to resign themselves to the status quo and requests for love stop. 

But, even if this is already happening in your relationship- it doesn’t have to continue! 

If you change, your relationship will change. BOOM!!  

So if you learn how to love yourself well, you’ll have the confidence to ask for what you want knowing how to handle rejection in a healthy way.  

When you know how to love yourself well, you’ll be more confident loving your partner well in ways that you find pleasurable also. 

When you’re well loved and they’re well loved… well, that’s a Successful Relationship! 

Cheers to your loving success! 

Xoxo, 

Beth

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